Sam's Halloween Advice

Sam Hart

2007-10-26 21:08:18

Well, it's that time again. Hallowe'en, or All Hallows Eve. Traditionally, my favorite holiday... Partially because it is so near my birthday and partially because I'm a ghoul. For kids (and adults) everywhere it's a time to dress up as something you're not (or, maybe, you secretly are) and run around like a fool demanding candy and threatening retribution in the event that said candy is either non-existent or less than expected.

So, in the spirit of the season, I'm here to give you some advice on this entire enterprise.

In summary (for those of you averse to reading), my advice is quite simple: The best candy comes in red packaging.

Yep, that's it. If you believe me (or are some lazy bastard who doesn't like to read) then you're done. Close the browser (or your tab) and go get your loot. However, if you need more convincing, read on...

The best candy comes in red

I think in order to prove this, we really need to take a basic sampling of the candy available and look at each one. This should be sufficient to prove to even the most skeptical jerk that what I'm saying is right....

100 Grand	Here we are, a perfect example of kick ass candy. Chocolate, caramel, and crisped rice! It's like a trifecta of candy goodness. Seriously, if chicks were candy, then 100 Grand would be Anna Kournikova.
Candy Corn	I'm sure when Dinosaurs roamed the earth and prehistoric man spent his days clubbing small mammals and avoiding being food for some larger predator, Candy Corn was a Jim-Dandy candy to give out for Halloween. Now it just says "I'm a giant ass and this Candy Corn is me telling you to fuck yourself!" Seriously, Candy Corn is like Devil Ass Candy, and not in a good way. I wouldn't even give it to my worst enemies. It's torture akin to water boarding, electroshock to the testicles, or forcing someone to listen to Brittney Spears.
Mr Goodbar	Don't let that red logo fool you, this is not good candy. Mr Goodbar is candy made from the refuse and spare bits left over when other good candy is made. It's also a sexual euphemism for receiving fellatio from a male albino midget in an airport bathroom. Also, this candy has all of the ingredients necessary for a good peanut log. In fact, it's kind of paradoxical... It's already a flattened peanut log before you even cram it in your pie hole... It goes against the very nature of digestion. Long story short, don't eat it.
Hershey's Milk Chocolate	Ugly turd-brown wrapper concealing a chalky psuedo-milk-chocolate bar. Supposedly one of the oldest Chocolate companies in the U.S., a fact that I find shocking considering how their candy namesake tastes like balls. Seriously, why do you people still buy these? They are sick. The chocolate doesn't taste like chocolate, it barely looks like chocolate, and it's a paper-thin candy bar that's sold for the same price as its neighbors. Hershey's Milk Chocolate is a lie. Hershey's Coagulated Pureed Donkey Scrotum is more like it.
Hershey's Special Dark	Dark Chocolate is healthy and pretentious. It's only eaten by goatee'd coffee house putzes wearing berets who spout obnoxious poetry while sipping their grande, non-fat, latte, cappuccino, espresso, poo-stank coffees. E.g., it's only eaten by beatniks who think they're better than everyone else. It's not eaten by children! What the fuck, why is this candy handed out on Halloween? If you hand these candies out this Halloween, you are a moron and deserve your house egged and your trees TP'ed.
Kit Kat	Bam! Red packaging! Another good candy. Crispy, creme-filled wafers covered in delicious, melty chocolate. Kit Kats are also great deals. The normal sized Kit Kats have 4 sticks in them! It's like 4 candy bars in one! Hell, even the tiny Halloween Kit Kats have 2 sticks. Take that other candy bars!
M & Ms	They say that after someone has Gastric bypass surgery they have a hole leading to their intestines about the size of an M & M. That means that if you eat an M & M after your surgery, you will probably die due to the bastard blocking your intestinal hole. Since you're a fat-ass who loves candy, you may as well avoid these deathtraps before you wind up having to have your gastric bypass surgery. Long story short, sure they may not taste bad, but the non-red packaging indicates something is wrong with them..... And that something is the fact that they will kill you.
Pocky	Now, I doubt any of you will live any place cool enough to get Pocky this Halloween, but you can always dream. Pocky is this scrumptious candy from Japan that consists of cookie sticks dipped in chocolate and other nummy sweet things. It's the equivalent of crack cocaine in the candy world, and may send you into a diabetic coma. You know what else? Bam! Red packaging.
Popcorn	What. The. Hell.... When did popcorn become an acceptable Halloween candy? Isn't popcorn what serial killers give to trick or treaters? Kids, this Halloween, if any cheap-ass adult gives you popcorn for Halloween run, don't walk, to the nearest phone and call the police. Popcorn givers are trying to kill you. Or rape you. Who knows?
Reeces Peanut Butter Cups	Here we go... another red candy packaging. You got peanut butter in my chocolate! You got chocolate in my peanut butter! Yeah, you also got candy that can kick your ass. This is the Chuck Noris of candy bars. Well... the Chuck Noris of candy bars back when Chuck stood for punching dudes to death, instead of being a giant pussy. The giant pussy Chuck Noris is probably shitty Grandma candy like mint jellies or some other bullshit like that.
Skittles	KAPOW! Red packaging! And another ass kicking candy. I can't really identify what it is about Skittles that make them so good, but if I were to try and visualize what it was I liked about them, it would have to look like this. Sure, a Skittle can kill a post-op bariatric patient just as easily as an M & M, but I like to think that they would have died a lot happier.
Tootsie Pops	MMMMMM BOY! Hard nasty Grandma candy coating a turdlet of chalky faux chocolate. Once again, we have a candy that screams to your neighbors "I'm a cheap ass" and "Fuck you!" Hell, the paper stick that's jammed in the bunghole of these "candies" tastes better than the actual candy itself. You know what else? These look like anal beads.. and who wants to put that in their mouth?
Whoppers	Again, don't let the red logo fool you, this is nasty candy. Every year kids all over the country dread looking into their treat sacks (heh... "treat sacks") only to find piles of this disgusting shit. Anything that prominently displays the words "milk" and "balls" together in the same sentence fragment can't be good. Additionally, this may be the only candy that literally melts in your mouth as the malted innards dissolve in your spit. Yummy. Nothing like feeling food begin to be digested as you suck on it.

So you see? Red packaging equals good candy. End of story.