Will Smith can go to hell

Sam Hart

2007-12-13 15:05:25

I Am Legend is a film that apparently comes out this week. It's based on the classic science fiction novel I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It's actually the fourth film to be based on this novel, but is the first one to actually share the same name as the novel. It is also the first movie that seems to follow the novel in terms of settings, concepts, and characters.

It's also going to be a piece of crap.

First off, I'm about to ruin the movie and the book. For the movie, who the fuck cares? It'll be shite. However, if you haven't read the book, me ruining it for you would be tragic. If you haven't read it, close this window right now, go get the book, and read it. When you're done, come back here and finish my post.

You done? You don't care and are gonna read anyway? Bah, your funeral...

"I Am Legend" is a story about the last man alive on earth, Robert Neville. This man somehow survives a viral outbreak that turns everyone into Vampires. Yes, I know, that sounds hokey, but hear me out.

The vast majority of the novel takes place in Robert's boarded up house. There, he wiles away the time getting drunk and feeling sorry for himself. It's a sad and tragic tale, and the self-destructive desperation counterbalanced with Robert's will to survive is poignant.

Outside Robert's house the Vampires gather nightly. They do all manner of mental torture to him; everything from women taunting him with their sexuality to neighbors and friends calling to him to come out. It's excruciating to read as Matheson skillfully puts you in Robert's shoes and makes you feel the hopelessness of his situation.

Robert's loneliness is made all the more profound by his attempts to contact any other form of non-Vampiric life. He spends weeks trying to capture and tame a wild dog, only to have it die from the virus shortly after he manages to tame it. He meets another human, Ruth, and has a similar experience with her; spends weeks trying to convince her he is not going to kill her, eventually winning her over.

The twist in the story is that Ruth is a Vampire, or, more specifically, a higher form of Vampire. She's part of a new and fresh society of these Vampires, one which has essentially claimed the world as their own. Robert is captured, and brought to this society. There, he discovers that this Vampire society regards him in the same way as his society regarded Vampires. They regard him as the monster, and they all fear him. In the end, he is executed, and we realize that the title "I Am Legend" was not in reference to the Vampires, but to Robert Neville, the last man on earth who future generations will remember as a monster.

Anyway, it's a great book. Hope I didn't just ruin it for you. If I did, well, fuck you... I warned you.

So why will Will Smith's new movie suck? Well, let's look at some trailers for it:

What did we notice here?

• Robert Neville has a dog: Fuck me, the dog was symbolic of what was about to happen between Neville and Ruth. Damnit, it's important that he never actually gets to have the dog as a companion! The major theme of the book was loneliness and hopelessness. How lonely can you be if you have man's best friend next to you while you hunt deer in central park?!


• Robert Neville works out in his loft appartment: Damnit to fucking hell, Neville spends most of the book wallowing in misery and killing brain cells with booze. He also had a little suburban house that he had to re-fortify every day to keep the Vampires out. Hell, he's supposed to have a fucking lawn where the women Vampires taunt him with their bodies. Damnit, he didn't have a penthouse in New York, and he certainly didn't run on a fucking treadmill every day or do pull ups.


• Robert Neville drives a sportscar: In the book, Neville's car was a hunk of shit. In the movie, we see him cruising down the road in some cherry red sportster. Admittedly, if I was the last man on earth, I'd probably be driving the best car I can find, but that's not the point.

Another trailer:

• Robert Neville waits every day at noon for other survivors: Bah, okay this is logical, but it wasn't in the book. I assume this will be where they have him meet Ruth, instead of chasing her in a field. But, damnit, it's a pretty big change.


• Robert Neville wakes early, refreshed, and works out: Again with the working out! Damnit, Neville was a self-destructive man! He didn't fucking work out. Also, the bastard never woke up refreshed. Each night was spent in torment as the Vampires besieged his house! Him walking up from some blissful slumber and asking his dog (that he's not supposed to have) how he slept doesn't make me fucking feel sorry for him.


• Robert Neville puts mannequins in stores: I presume this is to visually represent how lonely he is but, whatever. It sucks and didn't happen in the book.


• Car chases and explosions! Oh my!: Bah, wouldn't be a big Hollywood Will Smith movie without car chases and explosions. Fuck you, Richard Matheson, your story is good and all, but it doesn't appeal to the lowest common denominator. I know, let's fix that by adding asplosions! Wahoo! Look at them rednecks flock to the movie now!


• Neville yells a lot: A lot. A fuck of a lot.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

Another great book being raped by Hollywood. Joy.