Stereotypical Man 101

Sam Hart

2007-12-20 16:09:24

I just read an article over at WebMD which kind of infuriated me. So, I thought I'd share.

The article was 11 "Don't tell the wife" secrets all men keep. The title alone should have been enough to keep me away. "All men"? Seems like a gross over generalization to me. This seems to imply that all men are married and heterosexual.

But I clicked on and read the article anyway. I don't know what I was expecting... maybe I thought it would be filled with clever little commentary on some of the stereotypical things men are supposed to do (like leave the toilet seat up or something). Silly fucking me.

Let's look at this list of 11 things all men don't tell their wives...

Secret #1: Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day -- but it doesn't mean we want to leave you

Well, duh! I doubt this is exclusively a male thing either. Women can be just as lustful as men.

Furthermore, why is this a fucking secret? What idiotic and pathetic wife a) doesn't think their man has lustful thoughts about other women and b) thinks that if he has lustful thoughts he is going to leave her? Egads!

Secret #2: We actually do play golf to get away from you

Um... what?

I've played golf like one day in my entire life... and I disliked it... Intensely.

More specifically, I dislike all sports. There isn't one fucking sport that I have even the slightest inkling to participate in, think about, or watch (well, maybe women's volleyball... but even that's a stretch when I have internet pornography so easily available). Furthermore, I know a lot of men just like me.

Now, I've toyed with the idea of going golfing with my wife, but that's just because we could both suck at it together and it seems like it'd be a blast to make fun of all the other golfers.

The article tries to back up their claim that all men play golf with the following statement:
More than 21 million American men play at least one round of golf a year

According to CIA estimates there are 148 million men in America. Thus, if we can take the suggestion that 21 million men play golf as accurate, we see that only accounts for 14-fucking-percent of men in America. Apparently, I'm part of the majority... I'm part of the 86% that doesn't play golf. So, obviously, not all men keep this stupid little secret...

"B-but!", I hear you stammer, "That article wasn't talking about golf! It was just suggesting that men do activities like golf to get away from their wives for some period of time!"

Yeah, you puss-filled buttock boil? So what? If that's what they meant then they should have fucking said it!

As for what they meant, again, what idiotic and pathetic wife doesn't realize that their husband will sometimes need some alone-time? The wife needs alone time, why wouldn't the husband? It's fucking logical. No matter how close you are to anyone you will need some time apart from them... Unless you're some sort of psycho...

Secret #3: We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we've made one to you

This is a bizarre one.... And it may be right for the majority of married, heterosexual men. Personally, I don't understand it.

What commitment is really a commitment? Especially in marriage? If the marriage doesn't work out, get a divorce. I've been through it, and it made my life infinitely better.

Fear of commitment is just an admission that you're and idiot.

Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important

Again, what part of this is a secret? And what part of it is male specific?

If you're in any industrialized nation you want to earn money. Not because money has any native intrinsic value, but because you can do things with it. It's vital for survival, and the more you have the more things you can do above and beyond merely surviving.

The article mentions the following:
In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband -- almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?

Yeah, well, that's what we tell you. But we're shallow, competitive egomaniacs. You don't think it gets under our skin if our woman's bringing home more bacon than we are -- and frying it up in a pan?

"My wife and I are both reporters at the same newspaper," says Jeffrey Newton, 33, of Fayetteville, South Carolina. "Five years into our marriage I still check her pay stub to see how much more an hour I make than she does. And because she works harder, she keeps closing the gap."

Wow... 2 million years of Evolution and apparently we're still fucking cavemen. That's a good message to be passing on to your young men.

"Now, Billy, one day you will earn money from a job. But if you earn less money than a woman, you're a failure. In fact, you might be gay... At the very least, you would be dead to me... Now go play some golf!"

Secret #5: Though we often protest, we actually enjoy fixing things around the house

Erm... what the hell?

First of all, I can't fix shit. I don't know a wrench from a ball-peen hammer (although, I do like saying "ball-peen"), and the measurement system on US tools may as well be in Greek considering we don't use the metric system. It's not that I don't want to fix things around the house (even though I don't), it's that I cannot and refuse to degrade my intellect to even try to learn.

Furthermore, I know many men who are just like me. So this fucking idiotic generalization has no fucking basis in reality!

Secret #6: We like it when you mother us, but we're terrified that you'll become your mother

Bah... again, not a male-exclusive thing. And not a fucking secret!

Everyone likes being pampered, and no one wants their mate to turn into some creepy re-incarnation of their parents.

To "secret #6" I say: No shit, Captain Obvious.

Secret #7: Every year we love you more

Ahh! Smoochy, poochy, cutesy, schmaltzy, cuddly-wuddly, FUCKILY-WUCKILY BULLSHIT CRAP!

This irritates me... A lot.

If "every year we love you more" was true then why do 15-50% of marriages end in divorce?

Furthermore, how does one exactly evaluate love as a quantity such that it can increase annually?

Bah... fuck you WebMD!

Secret #8: We don't really understand what you're talking about

Bah, no one understands what anyone else is talking about.

If I were to summarize humankind in two sentences I would say that humans:

So this isn't something that is a big secret, and it isn't something that is a man's big secret.

Secret #9: We are terrified when you drive

Bah... again the caveman thing. If we're not the big, mean, mammoth-clubbing, in-control caveman we're not happy.

You know what? I love when my wife drives.

Really, I do. I'm not joking.

When we leave the house it's usually a struggle because I want her to drive. It's not that I dislike driving, I just like not having to hassle with it. I don't think I'm a better driver than she is, or that she's a better driver than me. Sure, we have our differences in driving-styles (I tend to drive faster in town, she tends to drive faster on the freeway), but it doesn't mean that one is better than the other.

Now, I know that a Google video search for "woman driver" turns up a lot of funny and bad female drivers, like this one:

or this one:

But just because you have some examples of bad women drivers doesn't mean all women suck at driving.

Secret #10: We'll always wish we were 25 again

ARGH! Who doesn't want to be younger after they hit their 30s?! Why is this exclusively a man thing or a secret?!


Secret #11: Give us an inch and we'll give you a lifetime

Bah... Chode who wrote the article ended it with a schmaltzy ode to his own little missus...

I can't go on... Need something to wash the taste of this stupid article out of my mouth...

How about an angry cat biting a guy's nads: